AA Gifts & Baskets Idea Blog

Archive for October, 2007

Exhaustion is one of the main complaints of older parents, who simply do not have the resilience of a young person. Linda, 40, a former magazine editor, said, "I do not think women in their forties realize the physical toll. I felt absolutely exhausted." One woman, who had sons at the age of 42 and 45, said, "I can't pretend there haven't been times when I've cried from one end of the weekend to the other out of sheer exhaustion."

Some recent research has shown that older men and women are less able to cope with sleep deprivation and disruption than younger people. After the age of 40 in particular, the amount of time spent in deep sleep decreases. There are more awakenings at night and sleep itself becomes lighter. As people get older they tend to lose the ability to fall asleep quickly, to sleep during the day or to sleep late to make up for a late or broken night.

As people age, it may be that sleep rhythms get more fixed and it becomes more difficult to adjust the pattern. After years of regularly waking and getting up at six, it may be harder for people to "sleep in." A new baby's pattern of sleeping for short periods may create havoc for the older mother's sleep patterns.

Finding Help

Some older mothers, anxious to avoid the double burden of loneliness and exhaustion, use a mother's helper in the early weeks. Some hire a nanny or maternity nurse to help with the baby. This can be a good idea. It can give the mother help and companionship at a difficult time, but not always. Betsy found the maternity nurse undermined her own confidence and wanted to do things her way:

"It was my first baby and about the fiftieth she'd looked after.

I felt helpless in comparison. Also, she didn't understand that I wanted to breast-feed the baby on demand. She kept saying he was feeding too frequently. She kept asking if she could give him a bottle so I could rest. She was obviously frustrated that she couldn't feed him. She fussed around and I couldn't relax. The only helpful thing was when she took the baby for a walk. In the end I let her go and hired a cleaning lady instead; that was much more useful."

To understand a child one needs full knowledge of the reasons for his development. Many of his traits are due to his trying to find his position in the family group, or seeking methods which bring recognition and which prove to be effective in the particular setting of his environment. Without encouragement and guidance, the child fails time and again in finding socially accepted methods of dealing with others. Misbehavior and disturbance result.

Four main objectives can be discerned as motivating a child to misbehave. We must understand these goals before we can hope to change the child's behavior.

Most frequently, the child wants to attract attention.

This particular desire prevails in younger children. In the family situation of today, children have little opportunity to be useful, to gain social recognition by contributing to the common goal. They, therefore, come to believe in the importance of receiving-gifts, affection, or at least attention. The toy which father brings home is less desirable as a tool of enjoyment than as a token of father's love. Devoid of attention, the child feels neglected. If he cannot obtain attention in a pleasant way, he turns to disagreeable ways and deliberately provokes scolding and punishment. That at least is attention; remaining unnoticed is worse. Not even to be punished is complete rejection; worst of all is to be ignored. Children who strive for attention must be taught that they can be useful-that social recognition means not receiving, but contributing.

The second possible objective of any disturbance is to demonstrate superiority and power. Children exposed to force learn to counteract with resistance. The more one demands of them, the less they conform. Children are very ingenious in frustrating the most forceful scheming of their parents, and gain easy victories while their adversaries are bewildered and dumbfounded.

This hostility leads finally to the third objective, namely, to punish, to get even. Convinced that nobody likes him, the child gives up any attempt to please. The only compensation for his humiliation is his ability to hurt others as he is hurt. No sense of social responsibility impedes his desire to take for himself whatever seems gratifying. This aggressive behavior expresses complete social discouragement.

The fourth objective is evidenced in complete passivity.

It expresses a belief in personal inadequacy. It is an attempt to avoid situations where the anticipated personal deficiency would become obvious.

To comprehend malfunctions we must know which one of these four goals is behind them. Many believe they understand a certain behavior if they find a word adequate to describe it. But words don't explain qualities, they only describe them. The word laziness, for instance, does not explain a definite behavior; psychologically each example of laziness differs from others. One child is lazy in order to get attention-mother must sit near by to remind and help; otherwise, the homework won't be done. But laziness can mean superiority and power; against all threats and punishments of parent or teacher, the child flatly refuses to work. Sometimes laziness is the worst revenge of mishandled child-punishing vain and over-ambitious parents. In many cases laziness means just the discouraged attitude of giving up. What is the sense of trying if one cannot hope to make the grade anyhow?

Parents must learn to understand such tendencies-they must know why the child behaves as he does; against whom and what he directs his aggression or shortcomings. They should know more-although they rarely do. Parents should gather information about the general line of the child's thoughts and desires, about his conception of life and of himself, about his attempts and the conclusions he draws from his experiences.

Can a marriage be complete without children? The answer to this question depends greatly on social conditions. Until recently, marriage without children was regarded as purposeless, as it still is among certain national and cultural groups. A marriage that remained childless lost its meaning and for that reason frequently could be dissolved. Mankind has, however, developed beyond this "naturalistic" view, for with the decrease in mortality of children and with the prolongation of human life, fertility has become less important for the preservation of mankind, nations, and races. General cultural and political conceptions determine the desire for children more than do economic necessities.

The relationship between economic conditions and the number of children is complex. Families who can afford many children generally have fewer than those who cannot afford them. Some couples plan parenthood in accordance with their ability to support children. Wanting children is natural, but social forces around us influence our thinking so that we either procreate without restraint, or control our fertility even to the point of having no children.

Planned Parenthood

The ability to conquer natural forces in the outside world and within himself enables man today to make a deliberate decision. We must recognize the antagonistic social tendencies which affect the individual and complicate the marital problems. On one side are certain religious and political demands to rear as many children as possible. The sociological background of the political encouragement of birth is obvious. Groups striving for national or racial superiority demand a large number of offspring to claim more rights and to supply armies to fight for them. It is more difficult to trace the social meaning of religious prescripts. The idea of Divine Providence excludes man's right to decide about life, which is given and taken by the Lord. A third factor responsible for large families today is quite different. It is indifference and ignorance which often prevent deliberate planning of parenthood.

On the other side we are confronted also by divergent forces coinciding in the demand for limited parenthood. A certain sense of responsibility prevents some married couples from having children, because they cannot offer what they feel children require-economic security, pleasant surroundings, a balanced and happy life, and reasonable prospects for the future. They question the right of anyone to produce children in times as distressing as the present. This argument in itself may be based on a real sense of responsibility and be part of an outlook on life following ideas of Malthus, or it may express only personal cowardice and timidity. A more courageous person may see chances for progeny where a timid soul cannot envisage even his own survival. Selfish tendencies are frequently hidden behind a pretense of responsibility. Women may be more interested in "girlish figures" than in womanhood; men may consider the accumulation of money more important than spending it on children. Caring for a child may involve sacrifice of leisure time and freedom of movement.

The nature of the theses offered as reasons for or against procreation makes it difficult to decide in anyone instance what influence the existence or nonexistence of children may have on the fate of the marriage. The outcome will depend very much on the moral forces involved. Couples having many children because they are inspired by deep religious feelings or by feelings of national and racial pride face different problems than a couple whose numerous offspring are the undesired products of carelessness or drunkenness. On the other side, a childless union as a result of selfishness and fear is different from the companionship of two people devoted exclusively to each other. Whether childbirth is avoided because of sincere consideration for the child or for consideration for the parents has practical consequences upon the marriage.

Since man has learned to regulate reproduction, there has been a definite tendency to reduce the number of offspring sharply. Moreover, the whole meaning of marriage has changed with the emancipation of women. Companionship has to a large degree replaced motherhood. Love has become meaningful even without "natural" consequences. Sexuality is no longer merely a scheming device of nature to force reproduction. Human sex proves thereby its independence of natural compulsion; it has changed its function from the animalistic drive as part of the reproduction process to a human practice for personal gratification. Love unites two human beings for common endeavor, and having children is only one part of their marital functions. Husband and wife have significance for each other apart from their potential parenthood.

Just as your body goes through a tremendous adjustment after the birth of a baby, so does your emotional state. There is the impact of a huge role change on your lifestyle. Suddenly you are a parent, with twenty-four hors a day responsibilities to a dependant helpless baby. The role is a new one. It is tiring and a bit puzzling at times. Combine that with the fact you are already tired and undergoing sudden changes in hormonal production, and you have a situation of emotional stress. To top it all off, there is the tremendous commitment you feel for your tiny baby. Intense emotions, sometimes highs, and sometimes lows, are to be expected at this time. You may find that you cry easily, both from happiness and from sadness and frustration.

Your time is not your own now. Your baby’s needs often do not come at convenient times. It is not possible to make plans and expect to stick to them. The women who  cope best at this time  are those that can accept the realities of the early postpartum period. They place high priority on caring for the baby and getting rest. They also are supported in this by their husbands and other loved ones. Getting help and avoiding heavy demands on yourself are two of the most important gifts you can give your baby and yourself.

The postpartum period represents a gradual return to a normal lifestyle. Your body recovers from childbirth and adjusts to the new demands of parenthood, including interrupted sleep, feeding schedules, and a constant awareness of the needs of the baby. Thus begins a new phase in the growth and development in all family members.

It is good luck for a squirrel to cross one's path. It is good luck to see a red bird fly up.

It is good luck to spill wine on the tablecloth. It is good luck to dream of silver money.

Wednesday is the luckiest day in the week for a wedding.

It is good luck to get white flowers on your birthday.

If one eats peas on New Year's Day, he will have good luck all the year.

A cricket on the hearth will bring good luck.

It is good luck to look at the new moon over your left shoulder.

A windy day for a wedding is a sign of good luck.

It is a sign of good luck to find a pin with the point turned toward you.

When starting on a journey, throw a teaspoon of salt over the right shoulder to insure safety.

To catch a falling leaf means that you will have twelve months of continued happiness.

To find a rusty nail is good luck. The nail should not be picked up, but the ends should be reversed so the luck will come your way.

If two or more people go fishing together, they must all cross the fences at the same time if they are to have good luck at catching fish.

It is bad luck to drop a book and not step on it. It is bad luck to bring a hoe into the house.

It is bad luck to sweep the floor before the sun rises. It is bad luck to count the stars.

If one dreams about rats fighting, he will have bad luck. It is bad luck for

one to comb his hair after dark.

It is bad luck to rock an empty chair.

It is bad luck to burn apple trees for firewood.

It is bad luck to wash a garment before it is worn. It is bad luck to burn the cob when popping com. It is bad luck to burn salt.

It is bad luck to count graves.

If one sees a red bird and it flies down, he is sure to have bad luck.

It is bad luck to take the ashes out when there is sickness in the family.

It is bad luck to make a new opening in an old house. It is bad luck to look at the moon through brush.

It is bad luck to meet a left-handed person on Tuesday. It is bad luck for sweet potatoes to bloom.

It is bad luck to watch a person out of sight.

It is bad luck for a black hen to come into the house. It is bad luck to milk a cow on the ground.

It is bad luck to sell a crowing hen.

It is bad luck to break a bird egg.

It is bad luck to spin a chair around on one leg. It is bad luck to dream of eating cabbage.

It is bad luck to see a pin and not pick it up.

It is bad luck to open an umbrella in the house. It is bad luck to sit on a pair of scissors.

If you find a cat sitting with her tail to the fire, expect bad luck.

Sunning of bed clothes on Friday will bring bad luck. Sitting on a trunk invites bad luck.

It is unlucky for a girl to be in church when she is asked to marry.

III fortune is created by bringing eggs into the house after sunset.

It is bad luck for a sick person to cut his fingernails while sick.

Finding that just right, reliable person to whom you will entrust the care of your precious baby may be something of a challenge and you will be glad if you began your search before the baby was born. Many mothers feel most comfortable leaving their new babies with grandmothers or other relatives, but family members are not always available. And while you know and trust them, they may be critical or make you feel as if you are imposing on them. Later you will probably look into the availability of teenage sitters in your neighborhood.[you’ll find that it is wonderful when you can find a family with two of more young people who like to babysit so that when one is not available, the other may be]  Until your baby is a little older, you will probably prefer someone more experienced-perhaps a woman who has had a baby herself-unless you can locate a mature teenager who has a certificate from a good babysitting course. Check with such local agencies as the YWCA, Girl Scout Council, Campfire Girls office, and the park or recreation department. If any have offered courses, they probably keep lists of dependable, qualified sitters. Other possibilities are a college home economics department or a hospital school of nursing. A good idea when you have a young new sitter is to arrange for a get acquainted visit before you leave him or her alone with your baby. You might wish to have such a young person come in on a regular basis to help you with the baby.

You may not be ready yet to accept the responsibility for caring for others babies as well as your own, so you may not now consider making reciprocal baby care arrangements with a friend or neighbor or joining a babysitting co-op, but you may find that there’s a capable neighborhood woman who ants to earn a little money. Agencies that supply trained and bonded adult sitters are listed in the Yellow Pages, but their fees are higher than those charged by individual sitters.

Your sitter ahs the heavy responsibility of caring for your child, but you have a responsibility to the sitter, also. You should be as reliable as you expect him or her to be, returning home when you say you will and paying fairly and promptly. Always leave a phone number where at least one of the parents can be reached in case of an emergency. It’s a good idea to leave other emergency numbers as well, such as a nearby neighbor, and of the police and  fire departments. Don’t make your sitter guess what’s to be done, leave careful instructions about feeding and caring for the baby and tell the sitter where to find diapers, bedding and other supplies. If you have pets, give instructions about them too. It’s also a good idea to give them basic information about your house available, such as the locations of fuse boxes, or circuit breakers, flashlights and fire extinguishers and how the smoke detector and burglar alarm work.

Information to Give a Babysitter

• Address and phone number of your location.
• Doctor’s name and phone number.
• Emergency room phone number.
• Police department phone number.
• Poison control center phone number.
• Fire department phone number.
• Phone number of neighbor and/or relative.
• Time you will return.
• Locations of:
• Phone
• Exits
• Bathrooms
• Food and baby supplies
• Medication
• Fire extinguishers
• First aid supplies
• Timing of feedings, medication, bedtime