AA Gifts & Baskets Idea Blog

Archive for November, 2007

Young children like to examine just about everything with their mouths.  This tendency can lead to problems-poisoning, choking, and swallowing dangerous objects.

Objects placed in the mouth may find their way down one or two passageways.  If something starts to go down your child’s trachea [airway] toward the lungs, she will begin to choke and will need help immediately.  If the object starts to move down the esophagus [food tube] toward the stomach and gets stuck, she will probably not choke [unless the object is so large that it also presses against the trachea], but she will have problems swallowing.  She may drool because she can’t swallow her saliva.  An object lodged in the esophagus must be removed by a doctor.

Once an object gets in your child’s stomach, the immediate danger is over.  Most small objects [like coins, marbles, paperclips, and even sharp objects like pins and small pieces of glass] will usually pass through the digestive system without problems.  Occasionally, something will cause an obstruction of the digestive tract or penetrate a segment of intestine.  Abdominal pain, vomiting, and fever may develop.  It may be a few days after she swallowed the object before the symptoms begin.  She needs to be seen by her doctor.  X-ray films will be taken.  Metal objects and many glass, plastic, and wooden objects may be visualized.  X-ray films may also show other problems, such as increased abdominal gas, or a perforation of the intestines.

To be sure that the swallowed object has passed through, you should check your child’s bowel movements.  Each bowel movement must be passed through a sieve.  If the child has been potty trained, place a basin fashioned of window screening in the toilet bowl.  Then, after the child has passed a stool, wash it through the screening with hot water.

Some objects may cause stretching of your child’s rectum, and a little bleeding.

There are no medicines, foods, or drinks that speed up the passage of swallowed objects.  Some doctors recommend eating foods that increase the size of your child’s stool, such as roughage, in an attempt to ease the passing of the swallowed object.

Swallowed Objects Symptoms

• If the object went into your child’s stomach, there may be no symptoms
• Inability to breathe or cry
• Gagging or choking
• Pain in his throat or chest

Difficulty Swallowing

• Abdominal pain
• Vomiting

Treatment

• If your child is choking, follow steps for choking
• If your child is in pain, seek immediate medical help

Your father is so kind, so gentle. As I write this you're snuggled in his arms waiting for King Kong or Godzilla to come on the video screen. These nights are perfect.

If I go downstairs I might feel hassled. It's a mess. I cleaned several times today and it's still a mess. It's my job to do most of the cleaning up. That's because I'm home-so I can be with you when you need me. It's taken me a few years to get used to doing the household stuff and to realize that your father does a host of things he doesn't want to do at his job.

My parents-your grandparents-encouraged me to get married. They said they just didn't want me to be alone. I didn't know what they meant. I had them, good friends, lots of interests. I was full, and though I hoped I would have somebody to love in my life, I didn't really know, or care, how much better things could be.

My daddy died before your father and I got married.

Your father asked for permission to marry me when my daddy was so sick he could barely speak. He nodded yes and my mom was so happy she hugged me. Then my daddy died and your father and I got married. My mom went a little crazy. She seemed very angry with me. I think it was because suddenly everything had changed. Now I was married and she wasn't. She married again and I felt Daddy's presence around me a lot, so everything was fine.

We found out we were going to have a baby. I was happy but scared because I didn't know if there would be enough love and time for all three of us. The love was no problem. The time was. We needed time as a family, as a couple, and each of us (except you) needed to be alone. It took about a year to figure out how to juggle all of this. We still don't always find the time we need.

When you were born, I was happier than I'd ever been. You were everything then that you are now sweet, alert, inquisitive, and funny (and we'd only just met). One week later my mom was in a coma and we knew she'd die soon. She was old and had lived a pretty good life, but I felt as if I was no longer standing on the ground.

I became terribly worried about your safety. It was hard for me to trust anybody, even your father, to take care of you. I was so shaken it took me a long time to see how good he was with you. The love between your father and me continues to grow. He tries to help me fulfill my dreams. I try to help him with his. He can get me to laugh when I'm crying.

You, my big three-and-a-half-year-old, told me yesterday you want to marry me. Of course, this desire is natural at your age, but I'll let it mean, too, that you know how deeply satisfying being married is. I love you.

Mommy

I sit in the restaurant of our favorite museum in
Europe. It is a time of reflection for me and I feel inspired to write. I miss you and I love you.

This is my first trip alone since our marriage, but this trip is different. An old friend is ill and called for help, for me to come and visit. Because you know I love you and am committed to you, you let me go. In between periods of long conversations and intimate discussions, I sightsee. I go to the museums and visit the historic buildings. It is absolutely not the same as doing these things with you.

All of this leads me to think about why it is so wonderful to travel together. We go to have a good time, take a break, learn, and experience. Generally we accomplish all of these ends. Moreover, we always enjoy each other's company and deepen our knowledge of each other. You laugh at me for my elaborate preparations but you enjoy knowing you are cared for. Still, the most important part of traveling together is that we have plain, old-fashioned fun, the warm, constant, having-a-good-time kind of fun. I enjoy having you by my side. I enjoy your presence, your being, kindness, gentleness, humor.

Each of us cares that the other is having a good time, and we share. Together we decide what we most want to see. Then we discover what moves and inspires us. We work in tandem. You drive and I navigate. I plan, you approve and help to execute. And then we have our debriefings. What have you most enjoyed today? What have been the highlights of the trip so far for you? You are delight-able and your delight helps mine blossom.

Yes, sometimes things do not go smoothly.

Sometimes we upset each other the way we might at home, yet you are committed to settling our disagreements so we can get back to enjoying each other's company. And when external circumstances cause part of a trip to be less than excellent, we do not diminish our own good times.

On Sunday my friend was tired and I spent the late afternoon alone and had dinner by myself. Had I been with you, we would have eaten together. We would have taken a long walk to the restaurant. Alone I was hesitant to do so. The streets were deserted and not inviting for a solitary walk. When we are together we make empty streets interesting. We comment on how the smallest urban details help to illuminate a culture. Alone I note them, but without you to share these observations, my delight and interest in what I see is diminished.

So I miss you now. Traveling together is giving and sharing. I will see you soon. I cannot wait.

The following case shows very clearly the mechanisms and the expressions of competition between children.

Nine-year-old Billy was such a wonderful little boy. He had lost his father four years ago, and he managed to be a great solace and help to his mother. Very early he assisted her not only in housework, but also in taking care of six-year-old Marilyn. Even at his tender age, Mother could discuss any problem with him, and he actually assumed the function of the "man of the family." The only point where Billy did not do so well was at school. He had few friends and was not very much interested in school work. That is not surprising when we consider that in school Billy could not have the extraordinary position which he enjoyed at home.

One can easily imagine the type of girl Marilyn was. She was so unruly that Mother did not know what to do with her any longer and asked for help. She was untidy, unreliable, noisy, disturbing, and annoying-a real "brat." Mother could not understand how in the entire world the two children could be so different! It was hard for her to understand the connection between Billy's goodness and Marilyn's difficulties.

We had the following discussion with both children together.

First, we asked Marilyn whether she thought Mother liked her. Her answer was, as could be expected, a shaking of the head. Then we explained to her that we were sure that Mother loved her very much but that because she, Marilyn, did not believe it, she acted in such a way as to make Mother constantly angry at her. As a consequence, Mother paid attention to her only when she misbehaved (destructive attention-getting mechanism) and that made her feel still more disliked. If she would try to behave differently, she would find out that Mother loved her, too.

This discussion took place in the presence of Billy. Then we asked him whether he wanted Marilyn to be a good and nice girl. He immediately shouted, "No!" We asked him why he didn't want it. He became embarrassed, groped for some answers, and finally said, "She won't be good, anyhow." Then we explained to him that maybe we could help her and he could help her, too, and so we might succeed in making her a good girl. Would he like it? Somewhat uncertainly, he said, yes, he would like it. I looked at him and told him, frankly, I didn't believe that he meant it seriously; I was sure that his first "no" was more sincere and accurate. But why didn't he want her to be good? Perhaps he could tell me. He was thoughtful for a while. And then he came out- "Because I want to be better."

Once the competition between the first and second child is established, a third child may be adopted as an ally by either the first or the second. Only rarely does the third compete with both, forcing the first and second into an alliance with each other-a situation which may occur, for example, if the older two are girls and the youngest a boy. The fourth one can side with any of the older children, according to circumstances. Whichever way the division of forces has been aligned can be recognized easily by each child's subsequent character development. The two siblings most different in their qualities, interests, or emotions are those who as children were competitors. This fact reveals where within the family lie the battlefronts, the recognition of which is necessary for the understanding of any child.

This family interaction, which puts each child in a characteristic "family constellation" as Adler 3 calls it, is more important for the development of personality and character than any other single factor such as inheritance. Here is an example:

Father, mother, and six children make up the family. The competition originated in the relationship of a "superior," domineering father, interested in politics and literature, and the mother, a typical housewife, compensating for her social and intellectual inadequacy by domestic dominance over the children. The first child, Sally, a daughter, is played by her father against the mother. The mother finds an ally in her second daughter, Beatrice. Sally is a good student, but despises housework and is in constant opposition to her mother. Beatrice is very much interested in housework, a very mediocre student, and much interested in her feminine appeal.

A few years later identical twin girls are born. Their physical similarity necessitates their wearing different-colored stockings and ribbons to facilitate recognition. Identical twins generally have a peculiar psychological relationship. They identify themselves with each other to such a degree that very often they regard themselves as only a half of one, frequently developing identical life styles which then bring an amazing similarity in their fortunes.

In our case, however, something rather unusual happened.

The strong competition between the two older sisters caused a division between the twins. One, Ruth, who was, incidentally, the senior by thirteen minutes, was claimed by Sally as an ally, while Beatrice sided with the "younger" twin, Diana. As a consequence, Ruth developed like Sally into a good student and bad housekeeper, while Diana, like Beatrice, became a mediocre student, good housekeeper, and much interested in her appearance. The third couple of children were a boy and a girl. The boy, Tom, was not only again the "older" of the two, but also, as a boy, desirous of special superiority.

The whole family was split into two groups-in characters, in interests, and behavior: Father, Sally, Ruth, and the boy against Mother, Beatrice, Diana, and the baby girl. Tom, with the support of his oldest sister and father, challenged the superiority of even his much older sister, Beatrice, trying to bully her. The twin Ruth excluded Diana from her own relationship with girls, and refused to take her with them because she was "too young" (thirteen minutes younger!). Friction, discord, and mutual suffering made miserable the life of these otherwise capable and pleasant human beings.

Indulging and pampering a child can never prevent friction but always lead to warfare. Underneath and beside the display of love and tenderness, we can always find expression of open or concealed hostility. Very few of these "loving" parents recognize the hostility and terrific warfare in which they and their children are involved. All the behavior problems of children are symptoms of hostility. It is difficult to make a mother aware of this. She cannot understand that the child may resent her, as she is firmly convinced that she gives him everything and loves him deeply. Yet how many mothers break down when they can no longer prevent the child from gaining independence? How many tragedies occur, especially during adolescence, when the child must grow up or become a complete failure-one being as distasteful to the mother as the other.

In protecting and dominating the child, not only mothers but many fathers try to prove their own superiority which is so badly threatened by our present life conditions. Once hostility starts, there is no relaxation, no peace. In a family shaken by discord and mutual hostility, shortcomings of the children are emphasized and actually fostered. Children's faults serve as the basis of mutual recrimination, as opportunities for each parent to excuse his or her own lack of social adjustment, and for pretexts to justify their own expressions of hostility. The hostility may even start as soon as the child is born, without any original period of love and affection. Fortunately, complete rejection of children occurs less and less frequently since man has learned to prevent undesired offspring. In any case, the friction between parents and children, the warfare inside of the family, deprives many parents of the full gratification of having children.

It is no wonder that parents so often fail in the rearing of their children, for it is one of the most difficult tasks in marital life. Teaching is an art. It needs skills in which its practitioners must be carefully trained. But how much training do parents have? What do they know about education? The situation is the worse because what little they know is very often wrong and even harmful. No shoemaker would venture to open a shoe repair shop without being duly trained. But parents often open an educational workshop with almost no preparation-with only the training that they have received from their own parents.

Ironically, parents try to imitate the acts of their parents, completely forgetting what they themselves as children had to suffer from their own parents' inadequacy. A father who has been beaten as a child will be much inclined to beat his own children. He forgets completely the humiliation he felt as a child, the hatred and opposition growing under the whipping with the parental hand or rod. This is the reason why it is difficult to convince parents that their procedures and techniques are wrong, unsuccessful, or even harmful. Each parent represents in his attitude generations whom he imitates. Any attempt to influence the educational procedure characteristic for any specific family is confronted with this unbreakable wall of traditional educational conceptions which are carried from one generation to another. This spiritual heritage is even stronger and more decisive than any physical inheritance. It may well be possible that certain national or racial characteristics are based less on biologically inherited qualities than on the educational methods used in the particular group and handed down from generation to generation.

To break this traditional circle is difficult indeed. Let us consider the simple traditional device of beating a child who deviates from the behavior desired by adults-who does "something wrong." What is the effect on the child? These cruel and terrifying episodes distort character, create a disbelief in human kindness and fellowship and a distrust of his fellows. Beaten children, in their revolt, provoke situations where they will be whipped again, physically as well as mentally. If, on the other hand, the spanked child keeps up courage and social interest, he will, as an adult, carefully avoid any situation in which he may be victimized again. He may cultivate "strength" and "toughness," and attain that rigidity and cruelty of character which is the high price paid by many strong and able persons. They punish rather than submit; and they alienate the affection of friends, relatives, and children.

Yet the custom of spanking was for a long time universally considered an adequate method of training children and still is accepted as such by most parents. Even those who recognize intellectually that spanking means humiliation and violation of human dignity, resort to this insulting technique for the preservation of their own superiority and excuse the practice by reference to their "uncontrollable" emotions and "nervous distress." The custom of spanking is one of the most forceful obstacles in the development of a democratic, peaceful, and cooperative atmosphere within the family, a relic of times which had little conception of human dignity and of human rights.

The problem of educating is not distinct from other problems of living together. The process of educating reveals one's general outlook, one's philosophy of life. The social atmosphere in a family is, therefore, a very important factor in the education of children. All the shortcomings, faults, and errors of a child can be traced to faulty approaches used by members of the family in dealing with each other. The child is adequately prepared for life only if the family has observed those rules which should govern the relations between human beings. For since the family is the child's first community and social unit, it represents to him a picture of life in general, and all depends on how closely and truthfully the family pictures the larger world outside. A favorable home atmosphere will encourage the development of a correct attitude in the child who, when he faces the world, must interpret it in accordance with the experiences and conceptions he has gained at home.

Unfortunately, the relationships within our present-day family do not correspond to those in life outside. Our children, especially if they are few, are usually overprotected, and they become self-centered. In a world of grown-ups, they live not as equals, but as dependents. They have few opportunities to become useful, to contribute to the group, and to achieve a proper niche by themselves. Their way of seeking the assurance of being accepted is demanding; demanding service from others, demanding gifts, or at least attention. What they can receive is for them a symbol of their importance; what they can do is insignificant. This principle of getting along with people contradicts all the rules of cooperation discussed earlier.

The more parents behave in accordance with the rules of cooperation, the easier it is for them to bring up their children properly. The child can adjust himself spontaneously to the right way of behavior, for he has a keen apprehension of what goes on around him, and how one must conduct himself to get along. Too often parents employ one set of rules for themselves and another, quite different, for their children. What excitement there is if a child lies! The parents are bewildered, they feel actually insulted. They completely forget the occasions when they have lied openly to a neighbor, or even demanded of the child that he lie for them. They expect their child to be industrious, whereas the father and the mother regularly complain about their own work. They are surprised by "improper" language from their child and ask accusingly where he learned to speak thus, when the child is merely repeating what he has heard from them. Is it so foolish for a child to say to his mother, "If you are not nice to me, I won't clean my room," if the mother demands that the child be "nice" before she fulfills her own obligation to the child? Yet the demanding mother is horrified by such statements.

It is difficult for parents to realize that children are human beings like themselves. Parents not only demand privileges which disrupt social order and destroy the feeling of belonging; but often they permit the child privileges that they would not grant to anyone else. Indulgence is as disastrous as suppression. Only rules which govern the life of the whole family, which include parents and children alike, train for the recognition of right and wrong. Where strong and impartial moral rules regulate the family life, no particular educational techniques are required for the child to grow up willing to contribute his share, confident of his own strength and ability, a useful vital force in the community at large.

Where is there a family with such background and atmosphere? Where are there parents so courageous and cooperative? As has been mentioned, our times are unfavorable to the development of such a family and such parents. A deep feeling of insecurity and a constant concern regarding our prestige hinders us from being as good human beings as we could be. Parents are no exception.

We cannot expect parents to be more cooperative with their children than they are with other competitors. And it is as foolish to expect more peace within the family than within our society as a whole. With sufficient social feeling, we find our way everywhere-without it, nowhere. Children are not different from other human beings. They can threaten the prestige of their parents as much as business competitors, perhaps even more; for parents are very vulnerable to their children's opposition. They believe that parental love or parental indulgence can buy submission. They demand acceptance and obedience just because they are parents. Any opposition and disobedience they regard as a personal affront, almost as a heinous sacrilege against the "divine idea of parenthood." The more they try to impose their will upon the child, the less they succeed in winning his cooperation, and their sense of disappointment deepens. Chagrined and embittered by life, they take their disappointment home and return it through their children back to the world.

To accommodate your tiredness and the baby’s demands on you, you may have to review what is most important to you and make some changes in your lifestyle. If you are a perfectionist who has always insisted that things be done the “right” way, you may find that you must relax your exacting standards a bit. If you suffer from inertia, it may be necessary for you to grit your teeth and force yourself to arrange for the rest, moderate exercise, and proper nutrition that are so essential for you and often so difficult to achieve. Realize that when you look your best, you are more apt to feel in control. Don’t allow yourself to skimp on good hygiene habits because you are too busy or too tired. Dress completely every morning, do your hair and use whatever cosmetics you usually do. This is not the time to make demands on your strength and energy by beginning a reducing diet, however anxious you may be to get your figure back to normal.

Above all, don’t try to bottle up your feelings in hopes they will go away if you ignore them. Talk about them with your spouse, your doctor, your mother, or a friend who has suffered them already. Be in touch, if only by phone, until life settles down.

Every parent should get away from the routine of house and new baby on a regular basis, and this escape is even more important if you are suffering from post-delivery depression. Even a brisk walk around the block will help, when your spouse or someone else can care for the baby, but an entire afternoon or evening out occasionally will do even more for you. You need not feel guilty about going out for a few hours, as long as a reliable babysitter is in charge.